The Drake Door
the-traphaus-times

The Drake Door

Unwelcome Greetings

You might remember the original Traphaus--"original" because we moved into a mansion, but that's a story for a later date.

 

If your mind is attentive and off the druhgz, you would recall that that Traphaus was actually a studio in a large warehouse, where there were other studios, mostly painters, artists, and musicians.

 

The environment was like this: as long as you paid rent, you could decorate, drill holes, build new floors, whatever you wanted.

 

The building management was such a shit-show that there were probably people who stopped paying rent and just started squatting. And for all y'all who dropped out of elementary school: squatting is occupying a space where you don't have legal permission to. Not referring to gym squats. Do you even read bro?

 

This isnt the type of squat were talking about...
This isn’t the type of squat we’re talking about…

 

When we first moved into the OG Traphaus, we would wander around to see what the rest of this horror show was up to. The standard studio door was the unpainted, no-finish, metal door, sort of like an X-Men underground bunker accept with more finger grease.

 

Literally the most boring door of all time.Literally the most boring door of all time.

 

Custom Ass Doors DAmN

Being a creative place, people would upgrade their door to suit their personal style. You had the basic bitches that simply painted their door one color, usually some blinding bright neon which is a loose translation of, "Hey!!! I'm here please notice me."

 

Then you would have the next level up where people put patterned wallpaper (doorpaper in this case?) over the door. The coolest one was the green camouflage pattern on a bumpin ass recording studio, but unfortunately because the walls outside were gray, we had to slip a piece of paper under the door saying, "Despite the camo, we still see you homie. Good try tho." They sent back a picture of John Cena with the words "U Can't See Me." Well played sirs, well played.

 

All the doors came equipped with the standard lock that's internally in the handle so you end up getting locked out all the damn time cause you never know if your door was locked or not. Whenever you twist the handle and try to walk through the door while pushing it open, you end up getting your jaw rocked by a locked door as you thrusted your whole body into it. It's a Worldstar moment with a non-living object. A new low in life.

 

Anyway, there were people that would deck out their doors in locks, and not like one extra lock but a row running down the left side of the door: deadbolt, padlock, keypad, fingerprint & eye scanner. It's like they're guarding a golden dildo used by each member of the royal family of the United Kingdom--- living and dead. Some even put up their own security cameras to monitor the entrance of their doorway. Everytime we passed by, we'd like to think someone was watching and admiring us with one hand and some cocoa butter.

 

An Unwelcome Squad member doing their part in the golden dildo heist.An Unwelcome Squad member doing their part in the golden dildo heist.

 

Then There Was The Drake Door

One door really impressed us. The Drake Door. It's just what it sounds like: an entire door dedicated as a shrine to Drizzy Drake aka the 6 God aka the guy your girlfriend is cheating on you with. Behind the door was just some vape operation, so we never actually knocked cuz we didn't wanna get scolded like "Do you even vape bro?" And we would have to return the shame like "Do you even make cards bro? You're Unwelcome bitches."

 

Back to the amazing blessing that is a door. In your head, try to imagine a church, synagogue, or mosque and then replace all religious symbols with Drake related paraphernalia. Your priest/rabbi/imam khatib now has thick eyebrows with a Hotline Blinging beard, sporting some OVO Jordans, and a signature pinky ring. Drake is God, HaShem, & Allah all in one. Word to the most high.

 

  

The most prominent piece on the door was a classic. It was a hand drawn piece that featured Drake's derp face in a hoodie, with tears streaming down his face while his eyes point in different directions. The door also featured lyrics from Drake's favorite song to sing to his exes in person: Marvin's Room. The song has the perfect tempo for Drake's tears to roll to. Wanna know a secret? Drake flips out when you spill water on his Versace carpet, but when his tears hit the rug, he gets on his knees, holds his ear to the floor, and whispers softly, "There is no sun without the rain." He then grabs a scissor and cuts out the tear stained section of the carpet. He proceeds to take off his underwear, uses it to wrap the stained carpet cut-out, and mails it to the ex he was crying about. While waiting for a reply, he calls his Turkish carpet merchant for a replacement carpet. After assessing the situation, the poor, clueless, and practical Turkish trader jokingly states, "You could've just sent a text message you know." Drake then murders the merchant. He is now on his 5th Turkish carpet man.

 

In addition to various magazine clippings of Drake, the door featured what appeared to be an original poem:

 

 

i luv drake poem 

"I dream of days past when you would arrive,

To my door with dreaded tears of eyes.

Tears that stream to form rivers into lakes.

The sounds to which our heart breaks.

I know no man as damaged and as true,

And you know no lover that belongs to you.

I witnessed you start from the lowest point,

Bending backwards like a broken joint,

They took advantage but I never would,

Come to my door, I'll do you good,

When you're here, please just whisper.

You be my baby, I'll be your babysitter."

 

It reflects an ode to a sensitive man, one who will sacrifice his tender, virgin skin to pick up the pieces of any broken glass and attempt to glue it back together. This is why this man was honored with such a door as every gate needs a gatekeeper & every Drake needs a Drakekeeper. This is why his iconic golden, hieroglyphic owl shines bright at the top the door, keeping an eye out for the insensitive bros.

 

You might wonder why the fuck you're still reading this majestic editorial about a Drake fan's door. Well the door did a tremendous job of inspiring our Hotline Bling card. In fact, after we finished that design, we immediately printed the card, assembled it, and taped it to the Drake door as our tribute to the 6God. When we went back to check on the card, it was no longer there! The 6God has accepted our tribute and now extended his guardianship to protect us! Let us rejoice in the honor of Unwelcome x OVO, as pictured here:

 


 

In all seriousness, if you know Drake, send this post to him. Maybe it will inspire a real Drake door at his mansion, and in front of it will be a doormat that reads "UNWELCOME"


Leave a Comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published