Our food is just as Unwelcome as we are. We eat shit. Not literal shit but you know, the cheap shit that's purely for a hustler's survival.
But us Unwelcome Boys & Girls are a few notches above that ramen and sauce packet life. We fuck with rice, seaweed (the Korean green tea kind baby), and Sriracha.
Seldom does the world bless its inhabitants with such multifunctional, fiery, good-good like the Lords have blessed mankind with the red hot Devil's sperm of Sriracha.
What most people don't know is that Sriracha isn't magically harvested on some South Eastern Asian rice paddy plantation off the coast of Thailand. Sriracha is actually home grown in the sunny state of California and is as Amurican as the Crocs that we wear.
If you've never had Sriracha, imagine mixing piss and lava then adding corn starch then shaking it really hard like a Shake Weight. That's what Sriracha is. It's not the spiciest hot sauce but it's the "fuck-my-throat-burns" kind of hot sauce with a promise of a fireass rimjob the next morning.
When you're busy hustling day in and day out, you often forget meals. One day it's breakfast, another day it's lunch, sometimes dinner and plenty of days where it's two or three missed meals. Luckily, Sriracha makes up for all of those meals. We just throw it on our Captain Crunch and Frosted Flakes cause now they're more than just good, they're on FUCKING FIRE.
The secret of Sriracha is the fact that you can throw together anything from the scraps in your fridge and then drench it with layers of beautifully bright red Sriracha to help you stomach the garbage and break a nice sweat. It might look like period blood but trust us, it's just Grade A dank red peppers bleeding their goodness all over your taste buds.
Sriracha is pure unlike all of those mystery powders and teas that "Instagram models" shove up your nose, or “meal solutions” that make you feel like you're downing in a mysterious cum-looking substance. They promise you all your daily nutrition needs but instead rob you of your dignity as a civilized normal human being.
Sriracha isn't faceless like those carbon copy marketing lies, Sriracha is like a trustworthy friend who you can always pick out in a crowd because he always wears the same green hat. But instead of a green hat, it's a green spout that always gets all dried and crusty with its juices. In case you need a quick snack, you can use your dirty fingers to peel that crust and chew it like bubble gum.
And don't get us started with the way the bottle feels in your hand. Right before you use it, you have to shake it a little to loosen up the settled redness. Then you bring it gently towards the spout without overflowing like a volcano about to erupt. There's just something beautiful about this physical relationship with a sauce that improves your quality of life, love, and hand job giving ability.
In addition to cooking up a Sriracha themed Unwelcome Greetings Card, we’ve fingered, uh rather finger-drawn portraits of the sauce of our lives. Let us know how pro our fingering skills are in the comments below. BTW these were done while speeding 110 mph on a police patrolled interstate highway between New York and Montreal. Not Bad, eh?