FUCK FOAM TAPE
the-traphaus-times

FUCK FOAM TAPE

Unwelcome Greetings

If you’ve experienced the blessing of holding an Unwelcome Greeting in your worthy hands, then you probably noticed the supreme quality that’s reserved for royalty. It’s so incredible that the thread count can’t even be counted, and the thread can’t even be threaded. You might be wondering “Damn son how they do this tho?”

 

Look at that presentation damn shit, three Michelin stars baby
Look at that presentation damn shit, three Michelin stars baby

 

Unfortunately, we can’t give away the recipe, but you probably figured out one of the ingredients from the title of this post.

 

Your first thought is probably, “WTF is foam tape?” And your second, “You guys are too dope to be beefing with inanimate objects bruh.”

 

Let’s start in reverse like a blind guy or an Asian woman driving.

 

We’ve been beefing with these materials since we started making the Unwelcome Greetings cards back in March 2015. One of the reasons we even started this company was because the quality of existing “musical” cards was so shitty.

 

What every recipient of shitty greeting cards say.
What every recipient of shitty greeting cards say.

 

That’s why we tested thousands of different combinations of materials to get our cards to where they’re at now. It’s like when you get Indian food for the first time and have no idea what to get. You just keep going and have enough diarrhea binges to understand what to avoid.

 

Luckily when we fucked up we didn’t have to spend hours on the toilet but we did rage quit A LOT. Like literally rip the crappy card, throw it on the ground, and put on our New York Timbs to stomp the shit out of it. And once the scraps were small enough, we set it on fire like we were trying to summon demons from below.

 

Our New York Timbs are hidden from the view but thats what it looks like.
Our New York Timbs are hidden from the view but that’s what it looks like.

 

An issue we had was when we would tape shut the flap that covers the speaker: the paper would crease around the speaker giving it a janky and vomit inducing look. It’s like when you use plastic wrap on a leftover fruit bowl: you want the wrap to form nice smooth layer over the whole bowl, without touching the fruit. You don’t want any jagged piece of juicy watermelon jutting out ruining the stretch of your baby butt smooth plastic wrap. Nah son, we ain’t having that.

 

The issue stemmed from the fact that we were using basicbitch scotch tape. You know the transparent type with one sticky side. We tried to be slicker than a ice cube covered in lube so we would fold the tape backward, onto itself, it would magically become double sided. You know what else is double sided? …Deez Nuts hah got em.

 

Anyway, that didn’t work because the tape wasn’t thick enough to match the thickness of speaker to create a level surface on the inside of the card. We needed tape that looked like J.Cole’s eyebrows… Thick As Hell.

 

An example of tape that we dont need.
An example of tape that we don’t need.

 

So we quickly hopped off our asses, and ran over to the Mecca of building supplies aka The Home Depot (please pronounce it Dee-Pot to make their employees lose their minds).

 

We knew our answer had to be hidden in the deep recesses of orange shelving. How orange was it? Orange enough to remind you of that flame that died inside of you years ago before you found yourself shopping at The Home Depot (old ppl probs). After minutes of searching and asking unmotivated store employees, we found what we needed: 3M Foam Mounting Tape.

 

3M Foam Mounting Tape
3M Foam Mounting Tape

 

The Good: It was sooo sticky. Imagine if a guy busts a nut into your hair, then spits his gum into your hair, and then takes his hand and mashes it all together. Yeah, it was stickier than that. Ooh and the thickness… Oh lawd… It felt like the tape was obese, perfect for our needs. It created an even height throughout the inside of card so now you truly be in awe of the cards rather than have your eyes bleed when you saw the jagged bumps that haunted our previous prototype cards. OMG and that double sided action— it was like having two lesbians do you from the front… AND THE BACK.

 

The Bad: who could forget that iconic green plaid pattern? Its like someone decided to draw crop circles on a green golf course but kept going straight as if he ran over the Grinch, Luigi and The Incredible Hulk with a lawnmower. In all seriousness, that green plaid makes our eyes twitch like we’re allergic.

 

Sorry Luigi
Sorry Luigi

 

Another thing about the 3M tape was the price. It’s like chill the fuck out 3M, we know your name is 3M but we don’t have $3Ms to pay for your shit. A foot of their foam tape cost like $15. At that price, we could buy an Unwelcome Greetings from ourselves. Like damn, that foam tape better be made of organic orangutan breast milk fermented by wise old men in a wilderness too dangerous to show on TV.

 

Uhhhh....
Uhhhh….

 

But in reality thank god (the 6 God Drizzy Drake) for the Internet. We found a generic version of the foam tape with the same quality for a better price. Now we know not to buy brand names. Sorry Nike. Except Crocs. We still gonna wear Crocs.

 

The new tape we ordered went fast. It comes in a giant 36 foot roll and to make sure we had enough for all our orders, we had became surgeons with X-Acto knives. We cut the tape down the middle to stretch out our resources. We still do the same, except now we gotta blast Cut It by O.T Genasis in order move faster. We blasted that song so much, we had to make a card for it.

 

The foam tape is really strong bruh. We tranquilize John Cena and then use foam tape to tie him up so he can sit still in his cards. Sometimes we’ll take a piece, peel off one side of the backing, put it to the side momentarily and then by accident a finished card goes by and touches the sticky side. The tape latches on like Spider-Man onto a fly guy (get it cuz he’s a fly and Spider is… well you got it). And when you try to take it off, it completely tears off the print of the card like Wolverine slashed through it.

 

Foam tape is also super resistant to getting cut with sharp metal objects. In order to cut it effectively, you gotta sit in a crouch-squat position, hold a blade in your right hand, while the roll of tape suffocates in your left elbow crease. You have to penetrate it with The Blade from a top position and swoop down to strike the tape like The Falcon would (damn we dropping so many superhero names, Marvel needs to cut a check).

 

If you fuck up, the blade will slip as it hits the glossy plastic backing and will cut your wrists open. And you will bleed all over the card. And that card will be shipped out to an unexpecting customer who now holds evidence in a suicide case. They are now withholding evidence and will be prosecuted in the court of law. They will be sentenced and they will spend the next 30 years in maximum security prison writing letters to the company that produced the foam tape. And each letter will end much like this one. Fuck Foam Tape.

 

Fuck Foam Tape
Fuck Foam Tape

Leave a Comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published