BEWARE! The Truth About Lemons

BEWARE! The Truth About Lemons

Unwelcome Greetings

Someone made lemons. Scientists and farmers might claim that lemons are naturally growing fruit, produced by a planted seed, which eventually grows into a tree that shits lemons. At least that’s the jist of what they claim.


But it seems strange to us, that a lemon just grows “naturally.” While we here at Unwelcome Greetings, aren’t scientists or possess any qualifications that make us qualified to give our opinion, we do consider ourselves smart. Even DJ Khaled told us: “You Smart. You A Genius!” And by “you” he meant everyone on the team.


When you think of Lemons, what comes to mind? Yellow? Sour? What life hands you in an overused clichè saying? All things that are outside horrific. Think about it, when are lemons ever pleasant? Never alone. They have to be paired up with something pleasant. Mix lemon and sugar, you get lemonade. Yum. Mix lemon and tea, you get sour tea. Yum. Bite into a lemon, you get a panic attack in your mouth. Ew.



Why would nature produce something so nasty? The same nature that produced fresh flowers, buzzing bees, and starry skies, all beautiful things. Enter lemons. Yellower than the Snapchat logo, rounder than Jonah Hill’s cheeks, and more sour than the expired milk in our fridge. Nature didn’t do this. A human did.


This man or woman created the lemon as biological and chemical warfare weapon of mass destruction. The yellow color was designed to give the weapon an innocent, childlike look in order to deceive enemies. The bitter outside skin furthered that deception by tricking the consumer that the “bad part” simply has to be peeled away, not knowing that the true strength of the weapon lay inside.


The lemon was created for a two way simultaneous attack: on the taste buds and in the eyes. As the target bites into the lemon, the sour slips onto the tongue to bombard the taste buds, as the juice squirts into the target’s eyes, blinding them. Natural “juice” does not burn the eyes as lemon juice does, which serves as further evidence that is it laced with an unknown chemical substance.



Even the name “lemon” itself is spelled similar to “demon,” and the original pronunciation of “lemon” was “lee-mon” but purposefully changed to add an additional layer of deception.

So when life hands you lemons, please beware.


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