Once upon a time…
…in a hood far far away… We used to be just like you. We thought Crocs were uglier than a hillbilly momma’s face when she tries to hide the pain of taking it up the booty. We only saw old white people rocking them, usually in a Hawaiian shirt/cargo short combo. You know, the type of retired folks that have seen so much shit in their lives, their shoes are the least of their concerns.
But then something happened… Our immigrant moms are ignorant of any fashion trends or taste because they have the same two priorities as someone who eats sardines for dinner: price and functionality. While all the homies rocked Adidas or Jordan slippers with socks, one of our moms bought discount Crocs.
If Crocs themselves weren’t embarrassing enough, the ones she bought were in the Minnesota Vikings colorway–purple and yellow. Putting them on made you feel like you’d just murdered both Barney and Spongebob, and now you were flaunting it in public.
Just to be clear, this was years before the “What Are Thoseeeee?” meme became poppin’. And thank God for that because we would’ve been constantly roasted. Not just roasted, but overcooked, charred, and blackened like ash at the bottom of a grill.
Are You About That Croc Lyfe?
For some odd reason, we still wore them despite the unbearable horror. It looked like we dipped our feet into alien STDs, but they were really useful. Crocs are versatile and serve three functions: as sandals, as slippers, and as watershoes. They’re super convenient because you can wear them while walking on any surface …except maybe the fire that awaits us in Hell (we’re going to Hell because we’re Croc lovers).
And we’re talking about the OG Crocs, not the fur lined luxury dead rabbit editions. The Crocs that are made of pure rubber, plastic, and foam just like everything else cancerous in this world. Plastic isn’t biodegradable so they’re guaranteed to last a while.
Plus, Crocs have a closed toe system, so you don’t gotta make sure your toenails is on fleek. Got fungus? Conveniently hide it. If you drop your ice pick on your way to shank your prison foe, you don’t have to worry about injuring your foot and getting thyphoid. The holes at the front the Crocs allow your feet to breathe, so when you’re taking off your shoes to get freaky on a one-night stand, you won’t accidentally suffocate your partner with some stank ass feet.
On A New (Croc) Level
The Purple/Yellow ones were just the beginning. The next ones we got were Disney crocs: all black, accented with a red strap and Mickey Mouse silhouettes as holes. Disney Crocs are on a level of their own. You can even get extra character pins that snap into the Mickey-holes on the front. But being the basic bitches that we are, we wasn’t bout to pay $30 for 6 pins.
And if the Disney Crocs weren’t enough, next we copped the jungle camouflage Crocs used in our What Are Those promo video. Now we could roam the concrete jungle safely in disguise.
Crocs were no longer a cheap, immigrant status symbol to us. They became a lifestyle of comfort, utility, and of minimal complexity. It was an all-in-one solution for our lazy asses so we wouldn’t have to change shoes throughout the day.
We gained the confidence to wear them publicly, while the rest of the world despised their aesthetic as if they were designed by Hitler. Once you’ve got the confidence to rock Crocs on a public street, on a subway, and at school, you begin to understand the important things in life like women, money, and of course greeting cards.
Collaboration of the Century: Crocs x Unwelcome Greetings
Now that Crocs became an integral part of our individual identities, we knew we had to incorporate that into Unwelcome Greetings. Once we had set up The Traphaus, we copped Crocs for the whole squad.
Okay, not real Crocs because they were out of our budget at the time, but the cheap counterfeits known as Clogs. They’re like a mutant twin compared to Crocs, but they get the job done.
It seems our generation is obsessed with getting sponsored by “popular” brands like Nike, Adidas, and the Holy Grail Jordan (we talkin’ bout you Drake). There’s too much competition for those and you gotta be an outstanding, admired and talented individual. We are none of those. We’re simply Unwelcome. And based on our generation’s critique of Crocs, it seems like they’re also Unwelcome. It’d be a perfect match like Beauty and the Beast, except in our case the Beast & the Beast.
We’re on a mission. Because of our long history with Crocs, we want to be officially sponsored by the Crocs brand. In order to make this dream possible, we need your help.